SATIRE: Just when you thought 2020 couldn’t get any worse, there’s still no sprite in the vending machines.

By Connor Mahon

This past February, The Cauldron published perhaps its most important story in its 90 year history. “Lemon Lies: CSU’s campus erasure of lemon-lime soda” shook Cleveland State to its core by exposing the terrible lack of lemon lime soda across campus, and the suspicious circumstances that preceded its disappearance. An extensive investigation by The Cauldron team revealed that vending machines were being purged of the pop, and campus dining was caught continuing to advertise the newly extinct soda. The ultimate thirst quencher had been replaced with the shameful zero calorie alternative, Mountain Dew Zero.

In an attempt to calm the outrage, representatives from PepsiCo admitted to the deliberate removal of Sierra Mist and Mountain Dew Ice, the University’s primary pre-purge lemon-lime staples. In their response to The Cauldron’s article, “Zeroing in on the Lemon-Lies,” they admitted: “We began replacing them in the hopes that students would begin to embrace that the existence of Sierra Mist was a Mandela Effect.” Caught in the act, PepsiCo attempted to remedy the situation by telling students to “be on the lookout for appearances of Sierra Mist in select places on campus and at student events.” 

Shortly after this announcement, campus was closed due the pandemic. Campus events are postponed indefinitely, and several dining locations are closed for the semester. Surviving dining options have extremely limited hours of operation, making it hard for me to even eat dinner, let alone hunt down the elusive lemon lime soda. We as a campus community need clarity in this difficult time, the sort of clarity only achievable through the refreshing taste of lemon-lime soda. I must call on PepsiCo one more time: put Sierra Mist back into the vending machines.

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