New border wall to go through Lake Erie

Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece.

By Anna Toth

Officials from Washington, D.C. have recently confirmed loose plans for a border wall between the United States and Canada. Leaked blueprints show the wall going straight through Lake Erie, an intentional move by President Donald J. Trump.

President Trump ran on the campaign promise of a border wall between Mexico and the United States. As Trump continues to negotiate the realities of such a wall with his administration and the Mexican government, he’s already got his sights set on protecting the nation’s other border, according to his Twitter.

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“Canada wall’s gonna be huge. A great success! The first wall through water! #MakeAmericaGreatAgain,” Trump tweeted earlier this week.

Anonymous administrative officials in the White House confirm that a wall between the U.S. and Canada is something that Trump has been thinking about for a while. The Great Lakes shared by the U.S. and Canada — Lakes Superior, Huron, Erie and Ontario — were one of the only things keeping them from committing to the idea fully before this.

“With the United States and Mexico, how to build the wall is obvious because the border is nothing but land,” an anonymous source inside the White House said.

Our source went on to describe the Great Lakes as holes in the border where people could just swim from one side of a lake to the other to get to the other country.

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Despite this, they seemed fully confident in putting the wall through the lakes.

“That would solve a lot of problems,” they said.

Our source describes the wall going all the way to the bottom of Lake Erie while still being tall enough to keep people from swimming or climbing over, though is unsure about the details in building such a wall.

When asked about how the wall would be built in the lake since the water wouldn’t leave time for the concrete to dry, they described that as “not their job.”

Some environmental activists have problems with the wall as well, worrying about the intrusion on delicate ecosystems within the lakes. However, a tweet from the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) dismissed these arguments.

“We fully support plans for a U.S.-Canada border wall and promise that it will have no negative impacts on the environment,” the EPA said in a tweet later pinned on their profile.

Hurdles with border walls are something that the Trump administration is well versed with at this point, considering all the issues with the U.S.-Mexico border wall. However, a wall between the U.S. and Canada has a lot more support from government officials.

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In tweets following Trump’s original announcement of the U.S.-Canada wall, government officials tweeted explaining their support.

A source from inside the White House explained that the need for a wall between the U.S. and Canada was entirely different from the U.S.-Mexico wall.

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“The trouble we’ve been having is that too many Americans are leaving the U.S. for Canada,” they said. “This wall will now make it harder for Americans to leave the country.”

While the support from government officials makes funding the wall slightly more possible, the costs of building the wall are expected to triple that of the U.S.-Mexican border wall.

Until more concrete plans can be made to fund and build the U.S.-Canada wall, the source describes plans to station U.S. military at the border and in the major cities bordering the Great Lakes.

This means an increase in military presence in both Sandusky and Cleveland while the Trump Administration figures this out. In addition, safety pool divider rope will go through Lake Erie on the U.S.-Canadian border and will be monitored by the U.S. Coast Guard.

“We will have top of the line security monitoring the rope at all times,” the source said.

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It’s unknown if the U.S. will get Canada to pay for the wall at this time.

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