Four pumpkin flavors that make fall fun, and four that’ll give you a tummy ache
By: Nick Hawks
Good: Pumpkin Spiced Latte at Starbucks
Listen, there’s a reason it has a reputation for being basic. It’s because it’s good. What hot chocolate is for Christmas is what pumpkin spiced lattes are for Halloween. Fellas, there’s no shame in ordering one, after all, we know you want to. You don’t get bonus points for ordering a black coffee. Nobody cares.
Bad: Pumpkin Creamer
Listen, I don’t know what kind of voodoo magic Starbucks puts in their pumpkin spiced lattes, but whatever it is, you can’t duplicate it at home. Pumpkin creamer tastes like what a flat RC Cola would be to Coca Cola. Not only is it a bad knock off, but it takes away your enthusiasm for the actual thing. I don’t know what Starbucks does to their coffee and I don’t want to know, like how I don’t question how Santa delivers Christmas gifts to every child worldwide in one single night. Some mysteries are not meant to be solved.
Good: Pumpkin Spiced Ice Cream
I’m a little conflicted here, as a little of this flavor goes a long way. But even with a mediocre flavor like pumpkin, ice cream tends to make everything better. What can I say, I had to balance the score here and that’s the best I could do. It’s not looking good for pumpkin flavors.
Bad: Pumpkin Pie
Yeah, that’s right, I said it. Pumpkin pie is terrible. What part do you want to tackle first? The taste, which is basically just a sweet potato with more sugar? Or the texture, which is like you took a bunch of solid foods, threw them in a blender, and made a weird mash that somebody with dentures could enjoy? It’s like a chunky pudding.
Good: Pumpkin Beer
Why is it that typing “Pumpkin Beer” makes me think of Butterbeer from Harry Potter? “So that’s why Harry was so fearless to fight Voldemort!” But no, pumpkin-flavored beer just feels right, especially on a chilly fall October night. Hopefully nowhere near trick or treaters.
Bad: Pumpkin Bread
I’ll admit, I’m biased, meaning I naturally just hate the flavor of pumpkin in things. Bread isn’t supposed to be sweet unless it’s banana bread and it has dark chocolate chips in it. If I’m going to eat carbs, I’m going to make them worth it with some garlic bread or some macaroni and cheese, I’m surely not going to waste it on pumpkin bread.
Good: Pumpkin Seeds
Salty, crunchy, and actually a pretty good size for a seed. Makes the sunflower seed look like the pre-steroid version of Barry Bonds (allegedly), when he was with the Pirates and better known for stealing bases. These seeds don’t mess around.
Bad: Pumpkin Seeds that you have to make yourselves
Have you ever had to carve a pumpkin? Folks – let’s quit lying to ourselves – it’s brutal. I’d almost rather take an online class (cough, and pay full tuition) than carve a pumpkin. The guts just get everywhere. It gives me a new appreciation for the show Dexter. Like I’m just trying to hang out in my living room and watch football, I don’t care what BuzzFeed says about this being a top creative date for the fall.