404 Internet Not Found: CSU’s money-saving scam

Installment #2 Conspiracy State University

By The Theorist

Go to the Cleveland State University website. Use the university’s site search. It can be for anything. 

Now, click through the results. Every time I do this, I find at least one link that loads to show the “requested page not found” screen and several more with outdated information.                                

 It says the university moved the site to a new server, so bookmarks into the site may no longer work. 

It happens a lot more when the search is for some super specific document that should really be more readily available. Certain forms and policies, archived issues of The Cleveland Stater, whatever it is, the searching ability on the Cleveland State website is shoddy at best. 

The new Wi-Fi is the same way. CSUwireless? More like CSUwifiless. What’s the point of switching to something new if it isn’t going to work right? My laptop refuses to connect to the university’s replacement for the 4csuuseonly option, so csuguest is now apparently the good Wi-Fi here. 

No wonder there’s a dorm room with its own Wi-Fi installed. You know what I’m talking about if you’ve had to fight with your internet connection near the Welcome Center. 

So what reason would a university have to keep students so disconnected from information? I brainstormed ideas for a while before coming to my conclusion. Highlights of the possibilities list included:

– Scamming students into using university computer labs for their homework needs to bump up library visitor numbers.

– A secret deal with Microsoft engineers to convince students their Macbooks were too old and needed replaced to function on a new Wi-Fi system. Microsoft benefits because Apple products are not cheap, and college students stereotypically struggle with unexpected, large expenses.

– The csuguest Wi-Fi had such a bad reputation and was so underused that Cleveland State wanted to cheer it up and get students utilizing it by any means necessary. 

– So many professors complained about laptop use during class that the mere energy of their distaste for technology in the classroom is acting as an invisible shield against the CSUwireless connection abilities.

However, after all these potential reasons and more that didn’t make the highlight list, the answer eventually seemed clear. Cleveland State, or Conspiracy State I should say, has no intentions of providing “free” Wi-Fi and easy searching abilities to every student on this campus. 

By cutting corners, slowing access, and limiting students’ access to information, money is saved and so are the administration’s secrets. 

Can’t access a webpage to find a scholarship application your advisor mentioned? Money saved. Can’t figure out who is supposed to be in charge of a university office now because there’s still someone listed who quit a year ago? No one can be blamed for delays or problems, never mind that you needed help or had a question. Didn’t get a response to that email you sent an on-campus office three weeks ago? Well, they can’t respond to emails that are still sending.

You wanted to access the internet while at your university, huh? And you didn’t want it to take 8,000 hours to load two files into your Google Drive? Maybe that example is a bit too personal, but it doesn’t change that we would all have better luck with a DSL. 

I’d include a gif of John Mulaney’s Mick Jagger impression on the web version of this, but we all know what would happen. (It would never load.)