Women’s cross country hires new coach

Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece.

By Samantha Meyer

After a three-month long search and interview process, the women’s cross country team has officially hired a new head coach. First Sergeant Robert Menzies will take over as the new coach.

Menzies beat out 50 other candidates to secure his spot as the women’s head cross country coach and assistant track coach. He comes from a background of high prestige. He served eight years in the Marines, and four of those he spent deployed overseas in Iraq.

His qualifications for the job come from his own personal success in cross country and distance events.

Currently, he holds the world junior record in the 10,000 meter with a time of 27:11, which he set back in 2009. He has also set multiple state records and two national records during his time at Hagerman High School in Hagerman, New Mexico.

His coaching background is limited but highly regarded.

During his time in the Marines, Menzies spent his time (when not deployed) coaching the Marines track and field team. Due to his high success rate, he was also brought in to coach cross country for the Navy and assisted the Air Force’s cross country team.

Seaman Carter Hanson, one of his former athletes, mentioned how tough Menzies is as his coach.

“He was a tough guy and would work me harder than any of my officers would,” Hanson said. “He made us really strong, really strong both physically and mentally. During his time here, I definitely saw major improvements in my running and my attitude.”

Menzies started at Cleveland State on April 1. The Cauldron news crew observed a practice where they saw the newly hired coach in action.

A regular practice started off with 50 weighted push-ups, 25 pull-ups and a circuit of core. While Menzies had recognized that their previous coach hadn’t put a strong focus on lifting, that didn’t stop him from pushing them to finish the warm up.

He offered words of encouragement in an outdoor voice saying, “come on ladies you have got to want it! I don’t want to see any tears. It’s about time we man you up and prepare you for the real world!”

After about an hour of warm-ups and introductions, the girls went to Main Classroom where they were to continue their practice.

Menzies pulled up his pickup truck and rolled out four 200-pound tires. Each girl was instructed to partner up and carry a single 200-pound tire up to the fourth floor of Main Classroom. Once the girls made it up the three flights of stairs, another pair of girls were instructed to bring it down. The girls would then take turns carrying the tire up and down Main Classroom’s stairs for a total of 45 minutes.

Future practices will take place at the train station, where the girls will have to work together to push a train down the tracks.

Menzies hopes this will not only help build strength, but also work as a team bonding exercise.

Next up, the ladies will be in action at the Miami Invitational on April 14.